huling liham para kay marilyn

 

Sinunog ko ang sulat ko para sa’yo kanina.

 

Hindi naman kasi dapat nobela ang sulat ko. Hindi na dapat sabihin ang maraming bagay. Karamihan ng nandoon ay puro galing sa nakaraan – hindi na dapat ungkatin pa dahil alam kong matagal na panahon din ang kinailangan para tuluyang gumaling ang mga sugat mo galing sa nakaraan na iyon.

 

Parte ako ng nakaraan at kasalukuyan mo. Hindi ko alam kung magiging bahagi pa ba ako ng hinaharap mo. Tanggap ko nang magkaiba tayo at magkaibang landas ang kailangan nating sundan. Misyon mo sa buhay ang ihanda ang mga nilalang para sa oras na kailangan na nilang lumisan sa mundo. Misyon ko ang pagandahin at gawing maligaya ang mundo ng mga nabubuhay na tao. Siguro darating talaga ang panahon na kailangan nating humiwalay ng landas sa isa’t-isa… pero kung ito na ang panahon na iyon, Masaya ako para sa ating dalawa.

 

Pinagpala tayo. Alam kong hindi ordinary at mas lalong hindi aksidente na nagkrus ang landas natin pitong taon na ang nakalipas. Sinadya Niyang ibigay tayo sa isa’t isa para magkasamang hanapin ang mga sarili natin. Saksi ang pitong taong iyon sa napakaraming pagbabago sa buhay natin – sakit, saya, pag-ibig at kabiguan. Pitong taon ang nakalipas, hindi na tayo parehas ng dati.

 

Alam kong dahan-dahan ka nang napalayo sa akin, pero alam ko ding unti-unti mo nang nakikita ang kaligayahan mo. Tulad ng sabi ko sa’yo dati, nararapat lang na maging maligaya ka dahil likas na mabuti ka. At alam ko rin na ang pagpasok mo sa loob ang isang bagay na matagal nang nararapat sa’yo. Kinailangan lang talaga siguro ng panahon upang mapagtanto mo ito.

 

Tulad ng haba ng panahon na iginugol ko para matiyak ang pangarap ko. Masaya na rin ako ngayon, kung gusto mong malaman ang lagay ko. Mas sigurado na ako sa sarili at mga desisiyon ko. Marunong na akong magparaya at magtiwala. Tinuruan mo ako.

 

Hindi naman din talaga ako nag-aalala na hindi tayo magkita o makapag-usap sa loob ng tatlong taon. Hindi naman talaga natin ginagawa ‘yun. Aaminin ko na hinahanap ko rin minsan yung araw-araw nating pag-uusap at palitan ng mga libro, pero alam kong kailangang magbago ‘yun. Wala naman akong pinagsisisihan.

 

Wala naman talaga akong maraming dapat sabihin sa’yo. Kinailangan ko lang sumulat dahil hindi ko puwedeng gawin ang isang bagay na gusto ko bago ka tuluyang magpaalam… gusto lang sana kitang yakapin – isang mahabang yakap na nagsasabi sa’yo na ipinagdiriwang kita at ang himala ng pagkakaibigan natin. Gusto ko sanang tingnan ka sa mata at sabihin na sa kabila ng lahat ng nagbago, hindi nagbago ang pagtatangi ko sa’yo – ikaw ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan, ang naging kasama ko sa mga oras na naliligaw ako at nag-iisa. Lahat ng mga sinabi ko sa’yo noon, totoo pa rin hanggang ngayon, kahit hindi mo na naririnig ang mga iyon sa akin.

 

Mahal na mahal kita. Espesyal ka sa’kin. Nandito ako para sa’yo… pamilyar na ‘yan sa pandinig mo. Pero ‘yan pa rin ang gusto kong sabihin sa’yo hanggang ngayon. Gusto ko pa ring malaman mo na kung darating man ang panahon na kakailanganin mo ako, huwag kang magdadalawang isip na lumapit dahil kahit gaano pa katagal, kalayo at kahit ano pang magbago, hindi magbabago ang pagtingin ko sa’yo.

 

 At kung hindi na darating ang panahon na magkikita tayong muli, wala na din akong iba pang gusting sabihin kundi salamat… maraming, maraming salamat.

 

conversations with my little prince

me: hey, thanks for sending me “the little prince”
me: i know matagal na yun
me: pero mas naintindihan ko na siya ngayon
me: after reading it for the nth time
me: (smiley)
**cold_drizzle: talaga?
me: oo
**cold_drizzle: alin part yung pinaka memorable?
me: the part about the fox pa din
me: and why kids bother to stick their noses against the train window and why they waste their time on rag dolls
**cold_drizzle: tell me why
me: because it’s important for them
me: the rag doll – it’s important for them, beyond anyone’s comprehension
**cold_drizzle: now i see why
me: and yes, we take responsibility for whoever we “tame”

**cold_drizzle: not all the time
me: yes, not all the time
me: but still…
me: you don’t just tame someone and leave as if you won’t mean anything to him/her
me: and when important things are taken from us, we cry
me: but the beauty in that is some insignificant things become significant
me: just because of that “important thing” that is beyond anyone’s comprehension
me: magulo ba?
me: hahahah
**cold_drizzle: oo..hehe
me: the fox, the wheat fields mean nothing to him
me: but the little prince does, and his hair is the color of the heat fields
me: so when the little prince went away, the wheat fields become important to the fox
me: and it makes him happy
me: and hopeful
me: the wheat fields become beautiful
**cold_drizzle: the little prince was just an instrument for the fox to realize how beautiful the wheat field is
me: yep
(pause)

me: did you know that before you sent me that book, I wasn’t really fond of reading?
me: now i have a bookcase-ful of books
me: and i have decided to become a language and literary major
me: you’re my little prince, in case you don’t know yet
me: and i know you belong somewhere else, where your flower is
me: but still, thanks for taming this fox.
me: hugs

**cold_drizzle: im just one of perhaps a thousand little princes you’ll meet in your life.
me: yeah
me: but one of the most remarkable ones, that’s for sure
me: the wheat fields are beautiful with or without the little prince .you are supposed to remember that
me: i know
me: but it also became more beautiful because of him.
**cold_drizzle: yes , maybe

***

You came when you were unexpected, and you changed my life in so many, unexpected ways.

But now you must return where you truly belong.

With Him.

I thank Him for lending you to me.

I thank Him for letting me realize how beautiful the wheat fields are.

kailangan ko pa bang sabihing mahal kita?

Ewan ko kung masasanay pa ako na wala ka sa tabi ko.

Ngayon pa nga lang na ilang araw ka lang na wala dito, parang sobrang laki na ng kuwarto, sobrang tahimik sa paligid at sobrang wala akong magawa. Kanina nga binabato ko na yung manok sa kabilang lote e. Tapos pinapanood ko si Spidey sa kisame.

Umuulan pa naman ngayon. Malakas ang ulan. Ito pa naman ang pagkakataon na puwede sana kita isayaw sa terrace. Sori nga pala kasi hindi ko naisara agad ang mga bintana. Nabasa tuloy ang mga ibang gamit natin. Masyado kasi ako napako sa pagtingin sa labas. Ay, sori din, ‘di ko pa napapakain si Garfield, pero busog pa naman siguro siya dahil ‘di pa naman siya tumatahol.

Dalawang beses ka nang tumatawag sa’kin sa teleopno sa loob ng araw na ito kaya alam kong hinahanap-hanap mo rin ako. Sa dalawang beses na iyon, wala ako masabi kasi alam mo naman kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin ‘pag wala ka: nasa harap ng PC, nakikinig ng bossa nova at sinusubukang magsulat. Saka inuubo at sinisipon nang bonggang-bongga. Walang bago, parang penguin pa rin ako kung lumakad. Para namang napakaraming pwedeng mangyari sa isang pilay na nasa loob lang lagi ng bahay sa loob ng isang araw. Ay, highest nga pala ako sa midterms naming sa English. Wala pang review yan, ha. Yabang ko, noh?

Pero tuwing tumatawag ka, ayokong ibaba ang telepono. Wala na akong masabi pero gusto kong maramdaman na nariyan ka pa sa kabilang linya. Kahit huminga ka lang ‘dun, wala ako pakialam. Basta alam kong nandiyan ka, okey na.

Bukas, nandito ka na. May caregiver na ulit ako. Pero hindi na ako makapaghintay hanggang bukas eh. Sobrang miss na kita. Puwede ka bang mag-teleport dito?

Ngayon na.

Bilisan mo na.

broken habit

It’s a lazy Sunday morning; and again, after a long while, I am alone in a room full of open spaces. Years ago, I was sharing lazy Sundays with you, doing things lazy people do. We’d answer trivia games and share a kiss or two every now and then. But that was many years ago, of course. You’re now on your own and I’m with someone who does the things you never did and loved me like you never can.

I’m happy and contented, I can say. Where I am is where you can’t take me. How I love now is how I didn’t/can’t love you. It’s just that every now and then, missing you becomes inevitable. Things would remind me of you and I realize who I’ve lost again.

Wait, I know I did not lose you. I just let you go because I had to, but we will always be a part of each other. In fact, you were one of the two people who would pop in my mind whenever I think about finding myself. Years ago, we’ve found ourselves in each other – that can never be denied nor removed. And what was wonderful about it is that I never realized that until you went away.

Last night, some infant singing contestant pretending to be manly enough to swoon ladies off their feet sang a song which title you used to describe me (or was it kissing me? Funny, I can’t remember anymore). The song repeated over and over in my mind. It took me this long to know the song itself.

I now know why you didn’t want to be a part of a mess like this. But I wish I could tell you now that even though it’s hard, it felt ten-folds better. You were right, it pays to love someone the best you can, whenever you can.

And I don’t exactly know if I should apologize, if there’s a need to. I’ve broken the habit of you. This is long overdue, I know. I’ve broken the habit of you a long time ago. It had been hard and I guess that’s why I’m rewarded like this today. Well, this isn’t exactly bliss; in fact, it can be a bit stressful sometimes, but it’s close.

I wish time will come when we can fix what we broke and rebuild the strong bond between us. I know I have to wait for that and I know I can. You taught me well. For now, I wish you the same happiness and contentment that I’m feeling.

Someday, I know you’ll find yourself again; and believe me, I’m the first one to be glad when you do.

PS

I know there’s just 0.0001% probability that you will be able to read this and that I said I’m not gonna write to you/about you again, but I just have to. I have to thank you today. Take care of yourself.

again, after a long while…

…I’ve written a piece of fiction.

Might’ve been a year or so since I last did, so I think I’m yet to get a good grip of it. This is what happens when a has-been college writer is left home alone with the I Am Sam OST playing on the Winamp.

By the way, haven’t thought of a title for this. Anyone care to suggest?

Comments, suggestions and violent reactions are welcome, too.

________
“You burned your first book?”

I nodded.

“But you’ve saved the soft copy, right?”

“I deleted it permanently.”

Cielo looked down and smiled.”You’ve totally let go, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. I’m happy now.”

She laughed. She knew I’ve always envied the way she laughed. No one else could laugh like she can. It was pure and innocent; sometimes tainted with pain, but nevertheless, delightful to hear.

She said, “Sometimes, I’d like to wish you’d be lonely more often so that you can visit here more… that’s the only time I get to see you.”

I laughed, too, “I’m happy now and I’m here, am I not?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

“Tell you if I’m really happy or if I’m really here?”

“You make it too complicated, you know?”

“I don’t”

She tapped me playfully at the back of my head with her palm, like she always does whenever I try to sound like a wise-ass. Truth is, I’m not sure if I’m really happy. I’m not sad, that’s for sure. It’s just that I have the yearning to get a feel of the old familiar.

And Cielo is the most familiar thing to me.

“So you’re going away again?” she asked.

“You know I have to.”

“That’s just so you, Erra… you’re never bound to be bound.” She laughed again.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“I’m going away, too.”

It’s the first time I’ve heard her say that. All these times, I thought she was always meant to stay. Honestly, hearing those words from her made me scared. I maybe the person who would best understand the word transience, but I’m not sure I’m ready to accept another loss.

That’s the last time I saw her.

***
The cemetery trees filtered the streaks of sunlight that shone over my bench and the tomb of a certain “Baby Girl Torres”. Of course, “Baby Girl” is not her real name. The child was born dead, and it wasn’t christened yet – hence, the name. Years back, I’ve always thought of it as my own tomb. I have a reason to think so – we share the same last name and birth date. I would visit it every now and then and light a candle on the right side of the grave. Oh, and it has to be a white candle. Unscented.

Now, I’d like to think of it as the tomb of all the things I’ve lost. All the things I’ve let go.

And I come here in hopes of putting their ghosts to rest.

“I don’t know if you’re lucky or not that you didn’t get to live in a world like this.” I was talking to the tomb. “Maybe you’re supposed to just swim in your soft little bloody world and never come out.”

Okay, I’m being cynic again. Maybe it’s a cycle. This is the reason why I’m afraid to be too happy. Somewhere along the road, some wise person will throw all the misery in the world to you to neutralize your excessive joy.

“Been to Dad’s tomb?” a memorable voice spoke calmly. I turned around to see Cielo standing there with a sad face.

“Yeah, earlier. Why so serious?” alright, I just watched The Dark Knight for the 5th time last night… and I know what I said wasn’t a good shot. It’s just that I’m not used to seeing her like this. She can’t be the gloomy one. That’s supposed to be me. That’s always been me.

But this time, it’s different. She didn’t say a word. Instead, she lit a white candle on the left side of the tomb.

“You’re doing my crap, too?”

“You’re not the only female Torres born on that date. In case you forgot, we’re twins, so I have the right to do the same crap. And if it makes you happy, I only started last week. I need to get rid of my ghosts.”

Silence.

“So, he left you?”

Cielo just smiled as she sat down beside me and leaned against me. I wrapped my left arm around her shoulder as I said, “Welcome to the world, sis.”

She laughed softly as a teardrop rolled over her right cheek. I held her tighter.

“Y’know, maybe we can move in together. We can become the world’s prettiest old maids… Yeah, we can work out a deal: I’ll cook for you and you clean the house… We can bring men into our lives, but we’ll stay out of that stupid commitment thingy… Or wait.. maybe we can lure them to come over and charm them to be our sex slaves and servants.”

“Shit Erra, you’re gross!” she finally burst into laughter.

I just laughed with her. It’s nice to hear that laugh again. It’s somewhat comforting to know that some things are still the same, and they’re still here.

Sometimes, we don’t really know when to let go… or if we’re holding on too tightly or too lightly.

In these cases, there’s just one feasible thing to do.

“I think I’ll just stay here in town for a while.” I said.

“Good.” Cielo smiled again and sniffed. She looked at me and continued, “I’m gonna need you here.”

Now, that’s a first. She never asked me to stay before.

It’s getting dark in the cemetery as heavy clouds started hovering the place. I really don’t know what I feel. I’m not happy, but I feel good. Maybe it’s the nice kind of gloom. Maybe it’s the old familiar. The wind is getting cooler and the flame of the two white candles flickered wildly with it.

And then, the flames went out.

__________

thankful.

A year ago, I would wake up at around 3:00 AM to prepare for my shift. The first thing I check is my mobile phone. Often, there’d be a message waiting for me there, saying that I have to get up and start the day…

And that I was loved.

Now, that person who used to send me messages more than 20 times per day wakes up beside me every morning and sleeps in my arms every night…

The same person who’d remind me that I’m beautiful, that there’s hope and that I deserve this happiness I feel.

We’re now two wholes of a pair, complementing, contrasting, bound.

And I’m just thankful.