again, after a long while…

…I’ve written a piece of fiction.

Might’ve been a year or so since I last did, so I think I’m yet to get a good grip of it. This is what happens when a has-been college writer is left home alone with the I Am Sam OST playing on the Winamp.

By the way, haven’t thought of a title for this. Anyone care to suggest?

Comments, suggestions and violent reactions are welcome, too.

________
“You burned your first book?”

I nodded.

“But you’ve saved the soft copy, right?”

“I deleted it permanently.”

Cielo looked down and smiled.”You’ve totally let go, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. I’m happy now.”

She laughed. She knew I’ve always envied the way she laughed. No one else could laugh like she can. It was pure and innocent; sometimes tainted with pain, but nevertheless, delightful to hear.

She said, “Sometimes, I’d like to wish you’d be lonely more often so that you can visit here more… that’s the only time I get to see you.”

I laughed, too, “I’m happy now and I’m here, am I not?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

“Tell you if I’m really happy or if I’m really here?”

“You make it too complicated, you know?”

“I don’t”

She tapped me playfully at the back of my head with her palm, like she always does whenever I try to sound like a wise-ass. Truth is, I’m not sure if I’m really happy. I’m not sad, that’s for sure. It’s just that I have the yearning to get a feel of the old familiar.

And Cielo is the most familiar thing to me.

“So you’re going away again?” she asked.

“You know I have to.”

“That’s just so you, Erra… you’re never bound to be bound.” She laughed again.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“I’m going away, too.”

It’s the first time I’ve heard her say that. All these times, I thought she was always meant to stay. Honestly, hearing those words from her made me scared. I maybe the person who would best understand the word transience, but I’m not sure I’m ready to accept another loss.

That’s the last time I saw her.

***
The cemetery trees filtered the streaks of sunlight that shone over my bench and the tomb of a certain “Baby Girl Torres”. Of course, “Baby Girl” is not her real name. The child was born dead, and it wasn’t christened yet – hence, the name. Years back, I’ve always thought of it as my own tomb. I have a reason to think so – we share the same last name and birth date. I would visit it every now and then and light a candle on the right side of the grave. Oh, and it has to be a white candle. Unscented.

Now, I’d like to think of it as the tomb of all the things I’ve lost. All the things I’ve let go.

And I come here in hopes of putting their ghosts to rest.

“I don’t know if you’re lucky or not that you didn’t get to live in a world like this.” I was talking to the tomb. “Maybe you’re supposed to just swim in your soft little bloody world and never come out.”

Okay, I’m being cynic again. Maybe it’s a cycle. This is the reason why I’m afraid to be too happy. Somewhere along the road, some wise person will throw all the misery in the world to you to neutralize your excessive joy.

“Been to Dad’s tomb?” a memorable voice spoke calmly. I turned around to see Cielo standing there with a sad face.

“Yeah, earlier. Why so serious?” alright, I just watched The Dark Knight for the 5th time last night… and I know what I said wasn’t a good shot. It’s just that I’m not used to seeing her like this. She can’t be the gloomy one. That’s supposed to be me. That’s always been me.

But this time, it’s different. She didn’t say a word. Instead, she lit a white candle on the left side of the tomb.

“You’re doing my crap, too?”

“You’re not the only female Torres born on that date. In case you forgot, we’re twins, so I have the right to do the same crap. And if it makes you happy, I only started last week. I need to get rid of my ghosts.”

Silence.

“So, he left you?”

Cielo just smiled as she sat down beside me and leaned against me. I wrapped my left arm around her shoulder as I said, “Welcome to the world, sis.”

She laughed softly as a teardrop rolled over her right cheek. I held her tighter.

“Y’know, maybe we can move in together. We can become the world’s prettiest old maids… Yeah, we can work out a deal: I’ll cook for you and you clean the house… We can bring men into our lives, but we’ll stay out of that stupid commitment thingy… Or wait.. maybe we can lure them to come over and charm them to be our sex slaves and servants.”

“Shit Erra, you’re gross!” she finally burst into laughter.

I just laughed with her. It’s nice to hear that laugh again. It’s somewhat comforting to know that some things are still the same, and they’re still here.

Sometimes, we don’t really know when to let go… or if we’re holding on too tightly or too lightly.

In these cases, there’s just one feasible thing to do.

“I think I’ll just stay here in town for a while.” I said.

“Good.” Cielo smiled again and sniffed. She looked at me and continued, “I’m gonna need you here.”

Now, that’s a first. She never asked me to stay before.

It’s getting dark in the cemetery as heavy clouds started hovering the place. I really don’t know what I feel. I’m not happy, but I feel good. Maybe it’s the nice kind of gloom. Maybe it’s the old familiar. The wind is getting cooler and the flame of the two white candles flickered wildly with it.

And then, the flames went out.

__________