broken habit

It’s a lazy Sunday morning; and again, after a long while, I am alone in a room full of open spaces. Years ago, I was sharing lazy Sundays with you, doing things lazy people do. We’d answer trivia games and share a kiss or two every now and then. But that was many years ago, of course. You’re now on your own and I’m with someone who does the things you never did and loved me like you never can.

I’m happy and contented, I can say. Where I am is where you can’t take me. How I love now is how I didn’t/can’t love you. It’s just that every now and then, missing you becomes inevitable. Things would remind me of you and I realize who I’ve lost again.

Wait, I know I did not lose you. I just let you go because I had to, but we will always be a part of each other. In fact, you were one of the two people who would pop in my mind whenever I think about finding myself. Years ago, we’ve found ourselves in each other – that can never be denied nor removed. And what was wonderful about it is that I never realized that until you went away.

Last night, some infant singing contestant pretending to be manly enough to swoon ladies off their feet sang a song which title you used to describe me (or was it kissing me? Funny, I can’t remember anymore). The song repeated over and over in my mind. It took me this long to know the song itself.

I now know why you didn’t want to be a part of a mess like this. But I wish I could tell you now that even though it’s hard, it felt ten-folds better. You were right, it pays to love someone the best you can, whenever you can.

And I don’t exactly know if I should apologize, if there’s a need to. I’ve broken the habit of you. This is long overdue, I know. I’ve broken the habit of you a long time ago. It had been hard and I guess that’s why I’m rewarded like this today. Well, this isn’t exactly bliss; in fact, it can be a bit stressful sometimes, but it’s close.

I wish time will come when we can fix what we broke and rebuild the strong bond between us. I know I have to wait for that and I know I can. You taught me well. For now, I wish you the same happiness and contentment that I’m feeling.

Someday, I know you’ll find yourself again; and believe me, I’m the first one to be glad when you do.

PS

I know there’s just 0.0001% probability that you will be able to read this and that I said I’m not gonna write to you/about you again, but I just have to. I have to thank you today. Take care of yourself.

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